I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
