I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
