my phone needs a breathalizer
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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