Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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