I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
