I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
