You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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