The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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