In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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