I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
