Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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