Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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