dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
