you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
