My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
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tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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