Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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