2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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