her facebook's as public as her vagina
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
