i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
