We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
