i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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