Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.