me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
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we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915