oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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