I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
