I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
