guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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