He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
