No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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