my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
