grandma shit on top of the toilet
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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