don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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