If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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