Dude my mom stole all your condoms
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
