You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
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What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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