Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
