I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
