so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
