I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
