im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
