k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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