Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
