I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
