So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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