you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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