saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
