I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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