You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
