there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
