The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
