I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My butt remains clenched, sir.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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