Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
