Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
