I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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