I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
