My nipple is on Facebook.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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