Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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