i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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