I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Couch. On fire.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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