shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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