We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
